PERFECTIONISM & ANXIETY
We all feel the need to be accepted, to fit in, feel loved, and that we matter to someone OR something.
I often hear people doting on their status as a 'perfectionist'. Pulling all-nighters as if it were a badge of honor. Settling for nothing less than outstanding. Entering into a competition solely to win. While on the outside, this may seem like a good thing. I mean, we live in a meritocracy that values this production-based mindset. But there is a darker side to perfectionism that I would like to explore.
So what is perfectionism and why is it dangerous?
Perfectionism is the act of setting & aiming to achieve totally irrational standards. Driven by the expectations of others, a perfectionist derives their entire self-worth from external standards and has fallen prey to overly harsh self-criticism that comes when they fall short of optimal.
In my private practice, I work with young, brilliant, high-achieving women who nearly all describe themselves as "perfectionists". They inevitably share one or some of the following personality traits that I would like to take some time sharing.
- All or nothing thinking. The perfectionist is the ultimate black or white thinker. They will settle for nothing in between.
- Complete Fear of failure. Often times I see bright, capable young women shy away from attempting a task because comes at the cost of 'a chance of failure.' They can justify inaction, but not a failure.
- Behavior rigidity. This is defined as complete and utter inflexibility when it comes to food, choices, outcomes, school, career, and friendships. Every relationship, every interaction, everything we eat propels us closer towards this ideal standard. In fact, researchers have discovered the connection between behavior rigidity and disordered eating (Arlt et. al., 2018). One reason for this is that the two disorders share some common features: fear of social evaluation and inability to adapt to new situations.
- Inability to trust others to handle a task. No one can do it as well as the perfectionist. This is why we so often see perfectionists agreeing to take on 100% of the project, or rejecting inputs from others. The fear of relinquishing even the slightest bit of control is too intimidating, so they push others away.
- Waiting until the last minute to get things done. Because, if they fail, there's an easy excuse.
It is no secret that increased levels of ‘perfectionism’ lead to higher levels of depression, lower self- esteem, and disordered eating. Several studies examine the relationship between perfectionism and anxiety (Alden, Ryder, & Mellings, 2002), revealing strong links between the two traits. So is there hope? Are perfectionists doomed to repeat this cycle of anxiety, fueled by external validation and high levels of self-criticism? Not at all.
The good news is when we learn how to foster a sense of intrinsic motivation we can shift our focus TOWARDS pleasing ourselves and AWAY from pleasing others. So, how do we develop intrinsic motivation?
Spend some time alone. Take a day, heck - maybe even a week, off from consuming any sort of media. When you experience a down moment, turn inward rather than outward. Sit with your thoughts. My guess is you have probably never done this. And if you have, these moments are few and far between. The connection between what you desire and what the world desires from you will become illuminated when you take the time to quiet your mind. Listen to your thoughts. What comes up for you when you spend time alone? What do you like? What fills your soul? Let this energy seep in. Spend a few hours each day reflecting on this newfound spark and let this energy fuel your identity and self-worth. You will be delighted to see how drowning out the external noise can do wonders for your ability to create your own light.
Recognize no one cares. No one is paying attention to the details of your life like you are. A harsh wake-up call, but incredibly liberating once you actually realize. I love it when my clients actually embrace the profundity of this. Once you begin to recognize this truth you are liberated from the grip and expectations of others. Embracing this truth provides you with the space to dive into your talents, desires, and creativity -- free from the expectations of others. When I am working with women to overcome their anxiety, we focus on creating space between a thought and a reaction. (This is the premise of Cognitive Behavior Therapy 'CBT'). Harnessing this truth that 'no one actually cares' is what gives many of my clients the space to sit with discomfort and look inward rather than out.
Pay attention to others and actually listen. Counter to what I just mentioned above, 99% of our time spent with others is consumed by conversations about ourselves or distracted by social media. When you are in the presence of another human ask questions, dive in deep, and don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability. You will be AMAZED at how opening up about your insecurities can actually alleviate the drive for perfectionism. This is the ultimate paradox of anxiety. When we give in to this feeling of fear, self-doubt, and self-consciousness by admitting its grip to ourselves and eventually to others a powerful flip is switched. If perfectionism needs to be recognized, loved, seen, and worthy - stop trying so hard to get there. Lean into vulnerability with others and you will be returned with recognition and worthiness.
That is it for today! Sending you all my love!!
XOX Dr. Jenn